And they wonder why I hate life so much

So I'm pretty sure I'm visible right? Apparently not. I'm outside waiting in the cold for my ride. He's all the way in god knows where. I wish I could just drive so I wouldn't have to put myself at risk for diseases or even becoming a frozen yeti. This gives me the perfect escape for running away actually, but let's face it I'm broke and have no where to go. I guess I could just keep on running but I'm not that kind of person to runaway from life situations. If only they knew how I feel right now. Lonely, cold, depressed, and overall wishing for two things. Either my early death or for some miracle.

Something

there's something bout' this time of year that makes me melancholy. It could be the weather or the constant darkness that I see from day to day. But all I know is that I've lost all motivation. It's day's like these that I would just like to sleep in my bed for as long as possible or even worse, never waking up. 

which brings me to my next topic of discussion.

I'm not one to think of suicide or death (although most people assume otherwise.) I want to die in the prime of my life, not old and forgotten. I want to die like I lived my life, straight and fast. That probably doesn't make sense to someone reading this but I'll explain don't worry. I've always felt as if life were just one blur. I guess, to put it in an analogy I've been living my life as if it were in the fast lane on the highway. I've come to the point where I don't remember what happened yesterday and tomorrow will be almost identical. I don't even dream anymore. every night is just a black space.

I guess it's the weather making me feel this way, and creating this vibe that is unwanted. But it'll pass.

This post comes to you in pieces

Part 1: I lied the jonas brothers strike again

It's not my fault they got nominated for a grammy. 

Alright, I'm not one to be all piss ass about how they don't deserve one because JB isn't really music but they really don't deserve one. They aren't a "new artist." They've had 3 fugging albums already out and have been around for 2-3 years now. I don't see how that's being considered a new artist. Even if they were to be a mainstream artist. They've been mainstream for at least two years.

It pisses me off.

Part 2:Movie Magic

I've gotten two new movies Wall-E and The Dark Night. Yes I know two very different movies. Personally Wall-E is my favorite of all time. It's Brilliant. I can't get enough of it. Even when I'm sleeping its replaying over and over in my head. 

Don't get me started on the dark knight. It's one of the few action movies I own.  surprising enough the other action movies I own are also comic book hero movies. What can I say? I'm a fangirl for only four things in the world : 1)Marvel/DC comics. 2)Apple(Mac). 3)Nintendo. 4)Anime.

Part 3:The Therapist agrees I don't need him.

I went to see my first therapist on thursday, he agreed with me on not needing one. I knew it all along but no I have to oblige to those of higher power. At least he said I was stable and articulate. Nobody says that to me.

Part 4: Lets make babies.

I find it soooo amazing that in Bio we're doing a lab on predictability with genes and making babies.(not literally of course, the media would have a field day if we did) I have to choose who I'd want as a companion though, which is horrible. I don't fancy anyone, let alone want to see what our future children would look like. For some reason I want to choose some random person that no one knows about so it wouldn't matter, but I know, no matter what people will care and be all up in my business about it. 

 

Part 5: I miss the youtube.

I remember 05' youtube. Those were the days. now there's widescreen, top friends, and partnerships? don't get me wrong I like the widescreen, and I understand that partnerships are useful for people that can use it as a part-time job. But seriously, all the changes they've made, and youtube live, I see them as pointless. 

I think that's about it. 

goodbye.

The last of the Jonas Brothers post

hopefully, that is if  they stop being such creepers.

they follow me around everywhere. it's insane. I'm not even a real big fan of them or anything, sure their music is okay and ya I admit the curly one is cute (kevin I mean) and I have been to their concerts. but I've been a fan since 06 so it's not like I'm one of those people that will fawn over them and give my left boob to meet them, seriously. I could do way better in the world than to waste my time over a bunch of teenage boys that make music because they enjoy it. please, infatuation was SO age 13. I'm over it. 

The antisocial.

The Dean questions my insanity, which I find so infuriating. What right does she have to say I'm antisocial or to question my sanity. I'm  perfectly fine. Seriously. She's telling me to get a therapist, when clearly I don't. She's taking my many library visits as a sign that I don't have friends or that I'm avoiding my problems, when really I'm trying to bring up my failing grades. Heck, just because she was the miss popular when she was in school doesn't mean just because I go to the library to study makes me anti-social. Heck, all my friends join me in the library and help me with homework too. God, and she says I'm being more quiet in class, I've been the same quiet for all 11 years of my school life and she says I was vibrant last year, well let me tell you something, I've grown up since last year, matured, I guess you should say, so why in the world are you telling me that I need a therapist when clearly you are the one that does. aggghhh. If there is any reason as to why I would need a therapist is to yell about how she's the one that makes me so angsty and frustrated with life. 

Alright now that I have that off my shoulders, I can finish my homework in which I've yet to finish. Goodnight lovely.

-Audrey

People think I need a therapist.

my past comes back to haunt me. harmless videos of my loneliness that are completely irrelevant to the present cone back with vengeance.

Okay I admit I do suppress feelings, a lot. but that's because I'm neither in the time or place to be sobbing or laughing or to be getting angry. I don't need a therapist, really I don't. In fact, I think therapists are ridiculous and aren't necessary. I myself know how to unlock the door to my unconscious mind and be able to figure out as to why I'm sad, or scared, without the help of a therapist. From there I move on and live my life knowing why. If anything a therapist would keep me from moving on with my life and stuck in the moment in which made me who I am. All I know is that at this moment, I don't need a fancy therapist, I don't need the help they want me to get. It's a waste of money and time. 

If I needed someone to talk to, I'd call a hotline. Its way less, and I don't have to form a bond with anyone. it's plenty fine with me. 

If I need anti depressants I guess I'll just kill myself when it's too late.

A lot has happened

I think I'm more messed up than I have ever been. Failing three classes minimum. I'm utterly unmotivated for anything in life except becoming a designer. I want nothing more than to sleep, eat, sew and read. 

Then again I wanted my life to be like Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella.

I think for the most part I want to live in a fantasy world where grades don't matter and to become what you yearn for is just a matter of pages. I'm not going to say I'm going to write all my dreams on paper and turn it into a book. I'm failing english. I'd rather read for pleasure and not for analyzation. I don't want to be graded for fragments and run ons. I don't want to be graded on my ideas and interpretations.

Before my rambling I just wanted to say this, I'm a failure and I've accepted it, and that's my problem.

I want to be something amazing, but where I am now, will get me no where in life. If you think about it, besides math and grammar, what's the point of science if you don't want to be a scientist. what's the point of history if all I want is to live in the present. 

My favourite quote of the moment is this : " Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains" by jean jacques rouseau. 

Its the only quote I find that makes me think. we ARE born free but we're always slave to some higher power, no matter how obscure the power can be. and no matter how high and mighty one may think they are, they are as much a slave as the person on the streets or working a crap job at mcdonalds.There is a higher power who makes us do everything we do. even fail. 

only time.

only time could ever heal,

this stapled heart together;

because all I ever feel,

is coldness of the weather.

What Pisses Me off to be called a teen these days.

For one, I'm sick of Jonas Fans(not all just those that are ignorant and buffoons). It's one thing to be screaming randomly at the concert and not being able to hear their music, the reason a person would buy tickets to their concert. It's another to be screaming during Nick Jonas' diabetic speech. I'd show more respect to someone who lives on the road with something like Diabetes. Even though The Jonas Brothers could never compare to The Beatles, I think The Jonas Brothers should stop touring like the Beatles because it's a shame that you can't hear them at a concert because of screams. And I wouldn't mind if they just took a break from the world and moved to some remote area for awhile. They've been touring quite often, and after they're going to start filming their TV show, and as much as it would be nice to see their face everywhere I go, I think they'll be burnt out by 2010 and hopes for living the dream will be nothing more then the past. I want them to live their dream for as long as life will go on for them.

Second thing is, I'm kinda pissed at the way my generation is being looked at because of how teen celebrities are acting. oh yea every 15 year old pulls up their shirt and takes a photo of it, and what's more sickening is that I know people that are mimicking this celebrity's moves because they want to be in her place. I'm sick of her fans sticking up for her saying bull about how it's not that bad. It is bad. Yes, in Hollywood, maybe not as much because we have just as many true blue people who care as a diamond in the rough. 

Another thing about teen "role models" these days. I think this whole purity ring is a bunch of bull since teen pregnancy has just become so much more of a" problem" these days. I don't think purity rings are going to stop it. "Purity" is a personal choice and should be thought out to what extent and if it's really worth it. But personally, if you're raised for the first part of your life to have strong morals. I don't see the point in a ring, personal reminders shouldn't be needed if morals are strong, you should be motivated each day to practice morals and live them and not just putting on a show for yourself. 

I miss the 90s for so many reasons.

My first Kiss.

has yet to happen, and I'm glad. although worried. 

They're the usual what will it be like, I won't know I'll be doing kind of worry, but I'm fine with that. There's a few groups on facebook that are for people who want their first kiss to be with their spouse. I think it's really cute. Staying probably the purest to those that say they want to stay pure before marriage. 

But everyone's definition of pure before marriage is different.

that's what makes me wonder about disney kids these days. you have a "purity ring" but what does that really mean. no sex? no oral sex? does groping count? dry humping? It doesn't make sense to me.

But neither does any relationship really make sense, because I've never had a real relationship.

I wish I could just use google to find these answers. 

90s kid.

I've been going through all my old vhs (yes I know, packrat)

but to be honest my parents were kind of slow to get on the technology wagon, we probably didn't get a dvd player till I was in second grade so that would've been 2000-2001. It's alright though because it reminds me of a life I enjoyed so much, so far.

A few of my favorite movies from the 90s were The Pagemaster, Cats Don't Dance, We're Back. I really had a thing for animated movies with talking animals and books. So anyways, I found a Vhs of Jane Eyre (1985 version) still wrapped up in plastic. Shows how much I was into the classics.

I've found a LOT of Barney, and I admit, barney was my vice, though I doubt I would need one at that age. I've also found Earthworm Jim, I know so old. and Backstreet Boys oh and my mom's One Night Only Ricky Martin. wow to think we still have all of these. not to mention Beauty and The Beast, Oliver and Company , A Goofy Movie, and so much more Disney. I'm a total sucker for Disney. 

I don't know where this post is going but what I can say from watching 90s movies and movies of the "21st century" the quality of the picture is better, but the actual movies' plots suck badly. I don't care much for them and I would rather stick to my Vhs player for a while.

The Spark is Gone, I guess.

I don't really feel anymore. In general I mean. I went to see them on monday, things weren't the same, the feelings I once had, had vanished. Have I come to realize my foolish, childish crushes? If there was anything I needed right now, it'd probably be a relationship. 

washed away disney memories

So recently I've been remembering old birthdays and what not because I really have nothing better to be thinking about right now. So I was remembering around 1997-1998 a place that was owned by disney in thousand oaks, california. Now as I recall my 4th birthday or 5th birthday was there, and it's name was Club Disney. Basically it was an indoor playground, or what my mind wants me to think of it as. I remember flubber and pizza. So... I basically wish it were still open today, but they all closed down probably because where they opened these playgrounds were in suburbs and, to be quite honest, who would care? (that is besides me) I remember I got a hercules puzzle there, which I thought was the coolest thing in the world (keeping in mind I was at a young age.

Now I've actually tried talking about this place to friends (they thought I had lost my mind) but thinking about it, they never knew about it because there probably wasn't much advertisement on it. either that or it was just as expensive as disneyland. But, I knew about it. (that could be the fact that I have a parent working at disney but it could just mean I've been raised in disney crap for my entire life)

Anyways, I bring this place up because it was probably the only memory of childhood I could almost vividly remember, being in that neon-ish green room with clips of flubber playing on a tv screen, it's just like chuck e. cheese, only disneyfied. ya, totally something I'd go to now even in the middle of my teens. 

They should bring it back, make more loot, its places like that, that put the money in my mom's wallet.

well posting is something I should do.

Feliz 4th de Julio. 

I've been cleaning my room, I'll make something worth reading later.

Does it mean anything if he's in my dreams?

Last night I dreamed of being side stage of his concert, right in the middle of burning up he rushed over to the side and looked at me, he introduced himself and I introduced myself. I asked him what he liked to do in his spare time, he said laser tag, and I told him a laser tag place just opened near my house and he replied smiling at me saying maybe we could go there sometime, you know together. I looked at him and whispered shouldn't you be singing on stage right now? he rushed out finishing up the song pointing up at me singing I'm burning up for you baby.

I don't really know what this could mean, I'm not sure if it foreshadows anything but I woke up happy, which hasn't happened in a long time.

My pleasant surprises.

Today was amazing to sum up how much adventure and risk we took.

I'll start by lunch, we went to Patys half expecting to see someone there but not much. Sarah noticed a tall handsome man come walking through the side door we looked at each other, we read each others mind and we walked outside to ask him if he was the guy we were thinking of. and he was. the Nicholas Braun. He is the nicest guy ever appearing in the new 'DCOM' Princess Protection Program. We made a quick video with him and that was that. 

Now onto the meat of this story.

So Today was the last day of the honda civic tour with Panic at the Disco, Motion City Soundtrack, The Hush Sound and Phantom Planet.We arrived there right when it started with Phantom we had our seats (which might I add our seats were LAST ROW on the HIGHEST balcony) now we watched the first set there and couldn't bear it three of us went to take a risk and take a seat that was hopefully not sold that was closer. we even tried the floor (which was half empty as always). So we ended up having second row on the right side of the stage (the left side while looking AT the stage) So we stayed there for The Hush Sound and then after the Motion City Soundtrack set started we moved seats just cause' there were two girls that did end up buying those seats we were in.(the song was Everything Is Alright) so we ended up for the rest of the concert in 8th row on the same side. it was amazing.

And today I saw my love...

He was more interactive with the audience rather than the last time I saw him, which was good because I like it better that way. Even though I didn't meet any of those bands today it was great to know that I was there, in a way, being apart of history. 

because of the last day of tour there was a bit of foolishness on stage but in the end we (the crowd) was so awesome that we actually got to see another song. 

This is kind of why I live, or maybe, what I live for , if there's any difference. My body seems to feel lopsided after concerts or big events and my brain is probably mush by now. This feeling of being in the moment and wanting the moment last forever is my high. Right now it feels as if the laptop is moving further and further away but my arms are stretching longer and longer to keep on typing. I do get a high from this atmosphere.

This is me, a foolish girl who takes non life-threatening risks whenever the moment occurs and is happy she did. because without that adrenaline never comes, and the lack of excitement would build up in her till a breaking point where she does the most stupidest thing that would ultimately kill her.

this message on high is brought to you by.

Audrey.

Songs That will never die on my ipod

It's kind of weird how I've listened to songs so way in my past (which isn't saying much considering my age) that I would come back to because it fits my feelings way to personally. These songs have special meanings and it's weird how they come back to haunt me sometimes even if they are songs I'll always like.

1. So Far Away by Carol King.

I think the first time I heard this song was when I was 5 years old. I didn't understand much of what it meant because I was still in the stage in my life where meaning didn't really exist in my life. It didn't really hit me (the song's meanings) till I was a little older and I lost close people to me. I'd cry every time I heard it. It made me feel as if I missed out on so much time with these people. It taught me to relish the time I had with those I love.

2.Eleanor Rigby by The Beatles

I actually just recently  heard this song for the first time I'd say two or three years ago. Truly one of the greatest songs by The Beatles. The irony to me loving this song and to me directly is that I have an autophobia and this song is about loneliness. aha, I contradict myself too much.

3.First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes

Me and my hopeless heart. I've never really been in love and I hope this song is what it's like to be in love.

4.Til' There Was You from The Music Man

Again I wish this is what love would be like for me...

 

I guess I feel more obligated to write here now.

Since greatestjournal's DB has gone off and died I'm here to write more of my mind.
could I be of a Jane Eyre type of person, who is passionate with words but introverted physically?,probably not. but to think of why someone would really have a blog must have some Jane Eyre in their blood. I think I'm over men and women, and the whole cat and mouse game of trying to win someone's heart that is obviously not interested. So I'll just sit hear and listen to all the people that still believe in this child's play of love.

There has been something on my mind that has really bothered me in that past few days.

So many cd stores have been going out of business because of the internet, and I bet you're thinking "Audrey what has the internet done to make these stores go out of business?"
and here's why...

• The world has become soo lazy that it's tedious to go out to a store and but a cd
• you can buy individual songs and cds without tax

Here's why it's better to buy cds

• tangibility: Think about it, so many artists put a lot of effort in creating booklets that expresses the cd in a new way, and holding it in your hands you can feel as if you're participating in something amazing
• think about Y2K. go on: how many people were absolutely freaked out about all the computers of the world to just shut down, huh? This could happen at any year, any month, any day, any hour, any minute. Sure you could go of and back up all the songs you've downloaded, but wouldn't it just be easier to buy the cd and be done with it.
  
• this ties in with the second point: my computer before has expectantly had complete wash outs of all my files of music, thousands of songs literally gone from my possession. This helped me to learn to just buy a cd and be glad that if my computer dies on me I'll still have cds to fall back on.

Alright, well my thoughts aren't as complete as I wanted them to be, my brain just feels like a piece of jello right now, but hopefully you've gotten the point.

again with my complete circle.

He's to amazing for me to think about. I've tried so hard to think of someone more tangible, but he's just the guy I've always looked for.

His new album is amazing, totally blew me in a different path. less malicious, more reflective. It was definitely growth from the last, and the weird thing is, that since their last album my music taste has shifted to more of classic rock more than the plain old vaudeville, and indie rock, and when I buy this album, expecting something different yet the same (if that makes sense),I was pleasantly surprised that it's more "folk" rock and more of the Beatles as an influence.

All the better to love it in my opinion.

So back to that subject of my music tastes changing.

I actually am more interested in classic rock (as I've said before). I'm more interested in the Beatles, and the Who(just to name a few). I mean, I still love indie and all, but I tend to be more inspired by ,for example, the Beatles, more than, again for example, Emery.

Alright, well I'm off to save the world.

yet again.

Audrey

It's funny, I've gone a complete circle.

I'm back to my old whereabouts and I'm back to loving up GRR. To be honest, I never really stopped, but side tracked none the less. he's still always on my mind. I can't wait till we meet for real. The only person standing between us is his girlfriend, KC. oh well, he already said he'd marry me in the end. ahahaha.

I say we were made for each other. just like the Jack's Mannequin song. 

Infatuation, the death of me.

Why must I always be infatuated with a person, it's insane, it'll probably make me a madman(or woman in this case). I don't know what it is but I fall for one guy end up liking his brother... I know, so mature, you're just dying to say "oh Audrey, you're so shallow, you're so immature. when will you ever grow up?" well news flash, I am in no hurry to grow up to be some phony. 

When I look around at somebody obviously lying their way through life, it makes me feel depressed as hell. I mean they aren't happy and they just want to do their own goddamn thing. It just depresses me so much

But I'm starting to sound a bit like Holden Caufield to be honest. I better stop while I still can.

Anyways, with this infatuation, I'm "infatuated" with this boy, but he "loves" another girl. And now I feel as if his brother, which is 20, is more of a guy I would like. hm, I think this whole ordeal of me being isolated from boys is getting to my head and I can make up a fake life in my head. I must admit, I can be pretty phony.

A Bit of Everything.

So I was one of the lucky girls at the Gibson Amphitheater when the Jonas Brothers came there. and I was even luckier to be one of the girls that won the raffle. That was one crazy day considering there were 1000+ girls there, and some hardcore boys there too. I'm psyched about it.

In other news I found out today that I have a chance of having type 1 diabetes. My great aunt has it apparently so I'm all woah about it because my mom told me it was hereditary. yeah. something else I have to worry about.

anyways, back to the Jonas Brothers.

It's weird, I've never had my hands sweat and shake, or had my stomach churn, knowing they were there. Who knows what my emotions are telling me. 

Another boy I lost...

this was in november-december of 2006.

His name was John and that's as much as I remember of his name. I knew him for about a week before I blocked him. His screen name was faraway2880 but I'm not sure exactly if the number is right. 

He was sweet, but probably a bit too forward. I remember him telling me that all these positive things happening to him since the first time he talked to me. It was nice at first talking to him, and then a bit irritating. he would talk to me at 1am and be the first one to talk to me whenever I signed on, and then there was this poem, which he wrote a few days after we first talked and to my knowing it may have been about me but it might not. I remember reading it and it said he would run away to me and he didn't care about our age difference, and I remember him talking about running away from his 'craphole' and coming to me. I was flattered but kinda scared he might turn into a stalker. 

I ended talking to him by ignoring him. I knew I hurt his feelings by not talking to him, and, to be honest, in the end I think I think about him more than he will ever think of me again.  He deleted all his accounts under that screenname and now I can't apologize for what I had done. I bet we could've been really good friends. If anything, I would like to have another conversation with him (kinda like jack).