they follow me around everywhere. it's insane. I'm not even a real big fan of them or anything, sure their music is okay and ya I admit the curly one is cute (kevin I mean) and I have been to their concerts. but I've been a fan since 06 so it's not like I'm one of those people that will fawn over them and give my left boob to meet them, seriously. I could do way better in the world than to waste my time over a bunch of teenage boys that make music because they enjoy it. please, infatuation was SO age 13. I'm over it.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
The Dean questions my insanity, which I find so infuriating. What right does she have to say I'm antisocial or to question my sanity. I'm perfectly fine. Seriously. She's telling me to get a therapist, when clearly I don't. She's taking my many library visits as a sign that I don't have friends or that I'm avoiding my problems, when really I'm trying to bring up my failing grades. Heck, just because she was the miss popular when she was in school doesn't mean just because I go to the library to study makes me anti-social. Heck, all my friends join me in the library and help me with homework too. God, and she says I'm being more quiet in class, I've been the same quiet for all 11 years of my school life and she says I was vibrant last year, well let me tell you something, I've grown up since last year, matured, I guess you should say, so why in the world are you telling me that I need a therapist when clearly you are the one that does. aggghhh. If there is any reason as to why I would need a therapist is to yell about how she's the one that makes me so angsty and frustrated with life.
Alright now that I have that off my shoulders, I can finish my homework in which I've yet to finish. Goodnight lovely.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
my past comes back to haunt me. harmless videos of my loneliness that are completely irrelevant to the present cone back with vengeance.
Okay I admit I do suppress feelings, a lot. but that's because I'm neither in the time or place to be sobbing or laughing or to be getting angry. I don't need a therapist, really I don't. In fact, I think therapists are ridiculous and aren't necessary. I myself know how to unlock the door to my unconscious mind and be able to figure out as to why I'm sad, or scared, without the help of a therapist. From there I move on and live my life knowing why. If anything a therapist would keep me from moving on with my life and stuck in the moment in which made me who I am. All I know is that at this moment, I don't need a fancy therapist, I don't need the help they want me to get. It's a waste of money and time.
If I needed someone to talk to, I'd call a hotline. Its way less, and I don't have to form a bond with anyone. it's plenty fine with me.
If I need anti depressants I guess I'll just kill myself when it's too late.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I think I'm more messed up than I have ever been. Failing three classes minimum. I'm utterly unmotivated for anything in life except becoming a designer. I want nothing more than to sleep, eat, sew and read.
Then again I wanted my life to be like Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella.
I think for the most part I want to live in a fantasy world where grades don't matter and to become what you yearn for is just a matter of pages. I'm not going to say I'm going to write all my dreams on paper and turn it into a book. I'm failing english. I'd rather read for pleasure and not for analyzation. I don't want to be graded for fragments and run ons. I don't want to be graded on my ideas and interpretations.
Before my rambling I just wanted to say this, I'm a failure and I've accepted it, and that's my problem.
I want to be something amazing, but where I am now, will get me no where in life. If you think about it, besides math and grammar, what's the point of science if you don't want to be a scientist. what's the point of history if all I want is to live in the present.
My favourite quote of the moment is this : " Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains" by jean jacques rouseau.
Its the only quote I find that makes me think. we ARE born free but we're always slave to some higher power, no matter how obscure the power can be. and no matter how high and mighty one may think they are, they are as much a slave as the person on the streets or working a crap job at mcdonalds.There is a higher power who makes us do everything we do. even fail.