I wonder what I would say.

There was someone I once knew, well sorta knew.

his name was, I think Zaine, yes now I remember, his name was Zaine but I called him Jack, and his last name was Fox. I first talked to him on this forum called simpleplanrox, although I doubt he was really ever a fan of them. I felt special when I first talked to him, keeping in mind I was about 12 or 13 , I remember how we would actually have fights over who had more xs before we had to say goodbye, and how I had a seal that I called Jack, in honor of him. I think he was the first person I actually loved, even though, he was homosexual. we grew apart up to the point where I wouldn't actually talk to him because he was interested into talking to someone else. 

I kinda wonder what kind of person I would be if I still talked to him, or what we would actually talk about.

I kinda miss him.

I just remembered a conversation I had with him, he was telling me something about a back problem and he was getting surgery for it. 

and then there was this time he asked about my religion, He asked if he was pushing me away by asking my religion, and I said it didn't but after thinking about it, I think it did. 

But anyways, I'd like to talk to him, just to see if would be like talking to an old friend or if it would be an awkward conversation like ex lovers. I don't know what I'd want actually. 

It'd kinda suck if he forgot who I was, or even worse, if he hated me now. 

I guess I'll never really know.

Rebbeca

by far, the only book I understood this entire summer. The emotion, the envy, all for a dead woman. I really did enjoy it. (even though the beginning is slow as heck.) Anyways, I really am looking forward to reading Romeo and Juliet again. Such a classic, I can never get sick of it. Although out of Shakespeare's works my personal favorite is A Midsummer Nights Dream for my obvious reasons. Oberon, King of the fairies, and puck, good ol' puck. my favorite characters.  Shakespeare, by far (in my book) the best literary genius to ever walk among human kind (so far). 

anyways tomorrow, I must go and run a 1.5 mile, or something of that sort, just for P.E. oh how I dread tomorrow. Also, I have a spanish test, but I'm not that worried, I'm actually doing muy bien, besides my random talkings. well goodnight!

After today...

I read the letters that tell me to succeed and I cry. why? I may disappoint them, I don't live up to what they think of me. watching the scene over and over again, she's saying we are special, she's waiting for us to make a difference. what have we done? I see us, barely getting by in life, finding out, one of my friends has already gone off on the wrong foot. drinking, pot, and to think I knew who she was at one point. As people put us on pedestals, we all are scared to fail, but when we do, we give up hope. my teachers, my dear, dear, teachers. who gave me, influence, guidance, friendship, parental figures, and to see them cry because of us, both of sadness and joy, why, It breaks my heart, knowing my fellow classmates and I are that powerful. Watching, as everyday has gone by, knowing it gets harder. 

I can only hope that after today, I rise to the occasion, and make everyone proud.

wow first day of school and I already wish for winter break.

I wasn't lost, or at least, I was never lost alone. I'm happy with all my classes, but really, I just wish I could sleep in. It's how it's always been. But other than that, I'm enjoying it as if I had lived there, I made one new friend today, her name is hannah. I am in other classes with her but I had not talked to her until block f, where we got to interview each other, she enjoys day over night, has one younger brother, favorite color is yellow, and likes sushi. fun girl, way taller than me (but I mean who isnt?) It's a joy to be around all girls. but I think there are a few male teachers there, I only have one, his name I should not say but everybody love him and says he's cute.

Tomorrow is picture day, I'm not sure how I'll take the photo but whatever will happen will happen. 

I can sleep peacefully now that first day of high school is over, but I still haven't broken the ice with some people, I'll let nature let it melt. 

school tomorrow

the beginning of a whole new adventure eh?

really I'm scared beyond belief. someone should come save me, maybe like a knight in shining armour knowing perfectly that i won't be seeing many high school boys in my high school career. oh well, maybe I will be able to find him at disneyland or somewhere where dreams come true.

If I won a date with him.

you know those really cheesy contests they have in magazines like bop, j-14, popstar, tiger beat, and all those other 'tween' magazines that give you a chance to have a date with the current heartthrob, ya those ones. do you ever wonder, 'could I really get a stable relationship out of this contest?' I highly doubt those real possibilities but I guess everyone can dream a little. It's actually kinda fun to enter those contests (not to say I've actually entered one of those contests because I haven't). I mean think about it, filling out a survey which will be hand picked out of thousands, you must be really special to win. 

Let's see, what kind of questions do they ask in these surveys. (I guess since I'm writing down these questions you'll get to know me better and I'll tell you mine.)

favorite school subject: lunch (hey I hope this guy likes a girl with a sense of humor)no I'm just kidding, it's really literature or english 

favorite singer/group:(if it's a musician a girl is trying to win a date with, most girls would just name that person.)  Josh Verdes from myspace.

favorite movie: (if a girl is really obssessed over the 'dreamboat' she'd know what his favorite movie is and state it)  it'd have to be science of sleep.

favorite tv show: (considering the person filling out the survey is probably around the age 10-14, they still watch Disney Channel so they'd probably state something like Hannah Montana or maybe if they're more of the nickelodeon person they'd say something like zoey 101 or drake and josh) personally, I watch anime´s so my favorite show is Ouran High School Host Club (which technically I don't watch on television because they only air it in japan but essentially it's on a tv)

favorite book: mine's just happens to be whatever I'm reading. but two that stick in my mind because they're just phenomenal is Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger, and Invisible Monsters by Chuck Palahniuk.

hmm what else do they ask?

describe yourself in five words: affable, eloquent, illogical, contradictory, dictionary 

describe your date with (the person you're trying to win a date with) in one sentence:(what a tough one) Lets just say, dinner at a local dinning area (without getting too expensive, personally for me a place like Rocky Cola Cafe), movies, a hug (and maybe a little smooch) and the simple statement that will never be fulfilled, we should do this again sometime.

I think those cover the main basics. now really how is a heart throb suppose to choose from thousands of applicants that seem to be all the same.

Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder.

Most people believe that people with this disorder are just lazy. I would know, because I do have this disorder. Which brings you to why I'm updating at 1:30 in the morning. It's sunday and I'll be in church in 8 hours. probably listening to a homily that I'm far from connecting to.

This post really has no more meaning than the last. It's been about twelve hours since my last post. so really this is more of a continuation of my day. 

The farmer's market was closed today, so we went to Home Depot, and then after to the cemetery to visit my grandfather and aunt.

I never really knew my grandfather, he died in 2000 and was born in 1914, so for the 7 years I had known him it was very awkward, because most of the time I saw him he was in bed or in a wheelchair. Kinda like a vegetable, but I knew he was more.

Suddenly, after another seven years go by, I learn more about who he was. And it makes me respect him for all he's done. I'm not sure if I remember correctly but for the most part my mother's side of the family wasn't as wealthy as my father's side. My mother told me and my brother before that her father said to her, I may not be able to give you nice things but I promise you a good education (or something along the lines of that). That's why my mother particularly wants me to succeed in school, and after hearing that I finally understood why.  I remember my mother telling me one time that my grandfather would walk this one street down to La Brea(I can't recall the first street and I'm not positive of the second but it was one long downhill uphill walk) just so he wouldn't feel so useless when he retired.I have forgotten to add my grandfather was a veteran. I never really knew anything about that though.

My aunt traveled. (I'm not positive but I think she was a flight steward) and she had died in a plane crash on August 19, 1980. So I never got to know my aunt. But long ago, I remembered my mom said I had eyes like hers. and she was called atte baby.  When I look at pictures of her and my mother at such a young age, I wonder what it would be like if she were still alive, and if she would be married and have children.

And I know everything happens for a reason but what if...

To drift away from the lives of my relatives I'll go on with my day.

I continued to read Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier. To be honest, it lacks my interest. I mean okay, romance, suspense, I never really see where it is. I'm usually fine with reading books but summer reading just doesn't appeal to me, well at least the ones that the school gives. I've read many other enjoyable books this summer like Masquerade by Melissa De La Cruz. Now that caught my attention, and it may just be the whole vampire thing but it was better than other books I've read. 

I really should be getting to bed right now but I'm not in the mood.

but I'll try, and if not, I'll just be updating some sort of blog or fan fiction...

till tomorrow my dear friend, till tomorrow. 

Two cavities.

I went to the dentist today, I have two cavities. I actually am pretty lucky considering all the things that could go wrong, like getting a thin enamel. That sucks very much. But anyways that's besides the real point of this blog post.

There are two construction workers in my bathroom installing a bathtub with jets and putting travertine on the floor and wall. I never even imagined material things like these in my possession, but I guess they're all nice. I'd trade them all in if I could find real everlasting happiness but they'll bring joy to me for a time. 

school starts soon, I kinda fear it. mostly because I'm in a school where there's about 300+ amount of people, and I couldn't feel any more lonely. And my closest friends, are in different schools.

I have to cut this short because I'm going to home depot and the farmers market with my mom.

till next time, It's been a pleasure.

5th blog and still boring...

okay so I really  have nothing better to do than to have 5 blogs and actually update all 5 occasionally. 

Greatest journal- my serious journal and beliefs (I'm not showing any of those posts to anyone),

Live journal- my dull updates on life and what happens, 

buzznet- events and ramblings, often they are maximum of 5 sentences.

personal Website- more ramblings ( I ramble off quite a bit), probably some seriousness hidden in there.

and,

Finally this blog. how nice this one is.

I hope this is somehow serious, and not just another rambled blog.

Really, I hope it's worth more than the relationship I know I'll never have.