here's a change. let me talk religion...

where to start? I guess I should begin on my background to where I am now and move on from there.

I've been brought up in a devout catholic family, and I considered myself to be a devout catholic. In my mind i would become a nun at one point and devote my life to god. Since then I've had a "roller coaster" type ride with faith.
I was content to where I was up until confirmation. this is where my surroundings helped to make me want to be a better christian. I hated the people that were in my group. peers that had no real system of belief and just wanted to fuck around. I reached out to a community that actually cared for faith and what it had to offer.
But after everything, I still felt unsatisfied with what I was learning what these people were telling me. Slowly but surely, I lost faith.

This is where I'm at now. Not a theist but not an atheist. I don't believe in religion because I always seem to find my beliefs are conflicting with the ideals of religions. But I also don't deny the fact that there is a higher power, because who am I to say if there is or isn't one. I'm always wondering, if there is one and if he does care.
Also I've always felt as if the redeemer was just a scapegoat for all people who don't want to take responsibility for their actions. that's all I have to say about that.

So continuing on about whatever I'm rambling about. I've admired religion in the sense that it brings community, and consistency to life. I admit that since I have lost faith my life lacks consistency and I do miss the community that came along with religion.

So where do i go from here? Do I try and find a God in my life? or do I abandon faith completely?

Fickle? Yes

So as much as the stranger and I are falling for each other I still want to keep the other. It's the whole I want my cake and eat it too. Actually I never understood that saying. If you get cake you eat it. Anyways, if this is the end of me and the other than my heart will undoubtedly feel broken. Being with a person that long is bound to make an attachment right?

and now I don't feel regret.

Being with this 'stranger' makes me feel better. He's made me happier than I have been in the past few months.

I think it's for the best now. I think many people settle with contentedness. and me being who I am cannot settle. at the time, yes I was more than content with where I was. but routine and monotony was bound to bore me.

with my stranger life is an adventure. I discovered a world I no longer want to leave. Somehow being with him feels more natural than being with the other.

He's like me in many ways. our views are similar and how we want our lives mesh seamlessly.

Our conversations aren't forced and proportionally we're perfect.

I want to move up to be with him. I want to love him, I want to slow dance with him on the rooftop again.

I'm getting sick of trying.

He won't respond to me. why am I trying so hard? oh thats right, because he is the best thing in my life. fuck. I screwed up my life so much.