I've made a big mistake.

i took for granted the best thing in my life and pushed it away, like I've always done.

I always try an not get attached to people for fear they may leave me. and i push them away, and making myself feel more lonely than I tried to keep myself from.

here's a change. let me talk religion...

where to start? I guess I should begin on my background to where I am now and move on from there.

I've been brought up in a devout catholic family, and I considered myself to be a devout catholic. In my mind i would become a nun at one point and devote my life to god. Since then I've had a "roller coaster" type ride with faith.
I was content to where I was up until confirmation. this is where my surroundings helped to make me want to be a better christian. I hated the people that were in my group. peers that had no real system of belief and just wanted to fuck around. I reached out to a community that actually cared for faith and what it had to offer.
But after everything, I still felt unsatisfied with what I was learning what these people were telling me. Slowly but surely, I lost faith.

This is where I'm at now. Not a theist but not an atheist. I don't believe in religion because I always seem to find my beliefs are conflicting with the ideals of religions. But I also don't deny the fact that there is a higher power, because who am I to say if there is or isn't one. I'm always wondering, if there is one and if he does care.
Also I've always felt as if the redeemer was just a scapegoat for all people who don't want to take responsibility for their actions. that's all I have to say about that.

So continuing on about whatever I'm rambling about. I've admired religion in the sense that it brings community, and consistency to life. I admit that since I have lost faith my life lacks consistency and I do miss the community that came along with religion.

So where do i go from here? Do I try and find a God in my life? or do I abandon faith completely?

Fickle? Yes

So as much as the stranger and I are falling for each other I still want to keep the other. It's the whole I want my cake and eat it too. Actually I never understood that saying. If you get cake you eat it. Anyways, if this is the end of me and the other than my heart will undoubtedly feel broken. Being with a person that long is bound to make an attachment right?

and now I don't feel regret.

Being with this 'stranger' makes me feel better. He's made me happier than I have been in the past few months.

I think it's for the best now. I think many people settle with contentedness. and me being who I am cannot settle. at the time, yes I was more than content with where I was. but routine and monotony was bound to bore me.

with my stranger life is an adventure. I discovered a world I no longer want to leave. Somehow being with him feels more natural than being with the other.

He's like me in many ways. our views are similar and how we want our lives mesh seamlessly.

Our conversations aren't forced and proportionally we're perfect.

I want to move up to be with him. I want to love him, I want to slow dance with him on the rooftop again.

I'm getting sick of trying.

He won't respond to me. why am I trying so hard? oh thats right, because he is the best thing in my life. fuck. I screwed up my life so much.

I feel terrible for wanting him to feel terrible.

he kind of deserves it though. we've been together for 9 months and He stood me up. I'm mad at him. and I really don't think there is anyway around what he's done. He's apologized, but I don't think it's enough this time. it's one thing to not answer calls or texts, but it's another to keep me waiting,thinking,hoping he'd show up. it breaks my heart. it really does. and as much as I would like to tell him these things, I won't. because I don't want him to be torn inside for his mistake. At least, I don't want him to be torn because I told him it hurt me. I want him to be torn knowing he fucked up big time.
i didn't think I would ever have to go through this kind of pain again. silly me to believe it.
Now I'm wishing that he's wide awake in bed torturing himself for forgetting. wishing he could turn back time and remember.
I've cried myself to sleep knowing that day by day I'm losing him. knowing he won't last in my life. it's killing me. tearing me apart. I want him to feel my pain. my breaking heart.

i love him but I hate him, is that normal?

sometimes I want to just bitchslap him for being so clueless. Does he seriously think he's getting away with this shit? I really don't want to put up with his crap anymore.

I feel like a hopeless piece of shit.

I hope he's not ignoring me... in my mind I feel the end. Please tell me it's all in my head and he's not ignoring me and all these messages are just lost through technology. my heart is breaking. I'm trying to think of all the things I could've done wrong. or has he simply lost interest in me? oh please say it ain't so.

okay sick of the guessing.

Who would have thought that being in a relationship causes such a worry. I feel like I'm always in a constant panic of doing something wrong that would make him mad at me and ultimately breaking up with me. I can't even think of life without him, I would do anything to keep him safe, for him to know how much i love and care for him. honestly, my mistakes are always out of stupidity, and trying to be a smart ass, if only he would see pass those mistakes and still love me.