i love him but I hate him, is that normal?

sometimes I want to just bitchslap him for being so clueless. Does he seriously think he's getting away with this shit? I really don't want to put up with his crap anymore.

I feel like a hopeless piece of shit.

I hope he's not ignoring me... in my mind I feel the end. Please tell me it's all in my head and he's not ignoring me and all these messages are just lost through technology. my heart is breaking. I'm trying to think of all the things I could've done wrong. or has he simply lost interest in me? oh please say it ain't so.

okay sick of the guessing.

Who would have thought that being in a relationship causes such a worry. I feel like I'm always in a constant panic of doing something wrong that would make him mad at me and ultimately breaking up with me. I can't even think of life without him, I would do anything to keep him safe, for him to know how much i love and care for him. honestly, my mistakes are always out of stupidity, and trying to be a smart ass, if only he would see pass those mistakes and still love me.

A flaw to fanfiction.

this may just be the fan fiction I've read (which isn't much to be honest), but everything seems like it comes straight out of the ass of some little fangirl. And it's written like a stephanie Meyer book where things are so unbelievably unrealistic. within days they fall in love and he's openly willing to have his love live with him. and the guy is just such a creeper. they lead you to hidden places and are overly forward. yea, just my type of fantasy. I know fanfiction isn't suppose to be quality writing, but it doesn't give a valid reason just pull things willy nilly out of your head. shouldn't there be a real plot? And how is it that things are conveniently there when they need it. it like I didn't mean for you to cry in the middle of this hidden forest but I brought a tissue box and placed it next to these strawberries that I brought. seriously... what the hell?

I want to scream to the heavens.

I can't believe what's happened in the past month. My first boyfriend, my first kiss. My heartbeats faster just thinking about him. He's made me happier than any other person has. He makes me feel so safe when I'm in his arms. I can't stop smiling when I think about him. It's only been 3 weeks but it feels like hours have gone by. I can't wait to see him again.

I'm a lost person.

Am I lying to myself?

I say I'm alright. Being single, never been kissed, being happy with my current life situation. in ways, I am. But let's face it, all around me, people are making up, breaking up, falling in love. I'm on the outside looking into the idea of a happy life. Let's face it, we want what we can't have. This is my case.