A flaw to fanfiction.

this may just be the fan fiction I've read (which isn't much to be honest), but everything seems like it comes straight out of the ass of some little fangirl. And it's written like a stephanie Meyer book where things are so unbelievably unrealistic. within days they fall in love and he's openly willing to have his love live with him. and the guy is just such a creeper. they lead you to hidden places and are overly forward. yea, just my type of fantasy. I know fanfiction isn't suppose to be quality writing, but it doesn't give a valid reason just pull things willy nilly out of your head. shouldn't there be a real plot? And how is it that things are conveniently there when they need it. it like I didn't mean for you to cry in the middle of this hidden forest but I brought a tissue box and placed it next to these strawberries that I brought. seriously... what the hell?

I want to scream to the heavens.

I can't believe what's happened in the past month. My first boyfriend, my first kiss. My heartbeats faster just thinking about him. He's made me happier than any other person has. He makes me feel so safe when I'm in his arms. I can't stop smiling when I think about him. It's only been 3 weeks but it feels like hours have gone by. I can't wait to see him again.

I'm a lost person.

Am I lying to myself?

I say I'm alright. Being single, never been kissed, being happy with my current life situation. in ways, I am. But let's face it, all around me, people are making up, breaking up, falling in love. I'm on the outside looking into the idea of a happy life. Let's face it, we want what we can't have. This is my case.

Giving Myself.

I admit, with my whole body, that I have had lost faith and understanding in everything that was around me.

I'm a born and raised a "devout" Catholic. I put devout in quotations because for most of my life I never felt as if I truly was giving my life to God. On my father's side I have a very strict traditional Roman Catholic family. Traditional enough that they still went to mass that was said in latin whenever possible. My mother's side, however, are more non-practicing Catholics. They went to church every sunday and most holy days of obligation, but none of them really lived a life that reflects the image of God, if you know what I mean. (side note: I think my cousin converted to atheism and is now a lesbian) It's as if I was a mix of both. Many reasons of my lack of true faith is because I always felt pressured into Catholicism from my Grandmother. She made me pray the rosary and read the bible everyday at 3 o'clock. As a child, I just wanted to go outside and play, or watch pokemon at 3 o'clock to be quite honest. As I entered 5th grade I became an Altar girl. At first it was great, I got to part-take in the mass helping the priest. As time wore-on, it became more of a chore or hassle. Don't get me wrong being an altar person helped me actually pay attention to the readings in mass, I just couldn't bring myself to staying once I graduated.

I've been going to a Catholic school all my life, and before you start thinking of nuns with yard sticks and daily masses, you're wrong. (except the mass part, in 5th grade I voluntarily chose to go to daily mass, and every friday we would have mass) In fourth grade we had mini elections and I was elected a religious representative, which I never really understood because I don't remember what I ever did, and I'm pretty sure I only won because my father was a lector. Going through my 8th grade year I never expected that I would be chosen most spiritual in my class (which I was) . I was flattered. I've never told anyone this, I didn't feel as I deserved it. I knew there were more deserving people of this, but I was chosen and it's not like I could turn it down. I had to give a speech at the mass on the day of graduation, I said that even though our journey there had ended we still had confirmation to look forward to.

the hardest year for me was Freshman Year. I felt like I was losing everything. my friends, my mind and motivation, my entire life, and most importantly I was losing faith. I felt so alone in the world. I didn't go to my parish for my first year confirmation. I was miserable there. Every person in that class was forced there and many didn't pay attention. They influenced me in having this apathy for church and being a Catholic. I promised myself I would not go back there for second year. I knew I wanted to regain my faith, and I would not get that kind of support there. So I signed up for my parish and had been anxious and excited to find that faith I had been longing for. From that first meeting I knew I was in the right place, finally.

My first life changing moment was at the retreat back in January. Everything that happened, from the sessions to confessions, from mass to adoration, it made me feel like I wasn't alone anymore. I realized my fears and prayed so hard that he wouldn't leave me. The feeling of warmth started to fade though. I tried with praying the rosary and reading the bible, and at times it would work, I would feel close. Other times I felt I was lost and alone again. Youth day in LA humbled me. So many people of the same faith, so many people like me.

I was convinced that everything would fade into nothing again and again, until Stubenville West. During those three days I realized that I needed to work harder for my faith. I gave myself To Jesus Christ on that Saturday night. I knew that in order for me to truly have the faith I longed for, to never feel that lonely paranoia feeling, to finally move on with life, I needed to commit myself fully to make sure the feelings wouldn't fade.

It's worked. My life is so much better now than where I was a year ago.I'm no longer lonely. I cry tears of joy knowing that I can finally live.

Because Insomnia won't let me sleep.

I'm awake just realizing it's saturday. I need some kind of tea or something to put me to bed.
So my mind has just been working overtime because I really have nothing better to do these days than to think about stuff. and overanalyze everything. I think that's partly why I'm having insomnia, I think too much. kinda like Antoine in How I Became Stupid. I need happyzac. Sure it'd make me a mindless consumer but then I'd be able to sleep peacefully.
I'm still hooked on a boy who's way out of my league. I know he's not going to notice me, but I still keep on trying, and I don't see the point anymore. He's so infectious, I can't get him out of my mind. But let's face it, that was a one time thing, meeting him. I'm too stupid to know when to stop, and I"m too smart to waste my money on trying to help the helpless cause.
I need to find someone, asap. need some summer lovin' just so I can get my mind off of all this hoopla.

On a completely (well almost completely) different subject.

I've never been kissed. and I keep of having dreams where I have my first kiss. I need some kind of dream dictionary to help me on this one.
Its saying I need love. That hits the nail right on the head.

I'd like to think I'm not a psycho person

I bet there are people who really think I really am, which doesn't upset me, but puts a damper on the relationship I have between them.

My internal clock is making me wake up at 6 am everyday and I'm actually fine with it. Weird, yes. Sad that I'm still waking up early and it's summer, a little. but that means more hours in the day to pretend I have something better to do.

Back to my previous subject, I'm not psycho I promise, maybe a little paranoid, but not to the point that I should be locked up. I think that's my problem though, that's the reason why I'm lonely. (and me admitting this could be the reason why just affirms everything just said) but I guess it's not all bad. I constantly try to make myself a better person to make up for the fact that I'm a horrible person.

I wonder what I'm going to do today, maybe I'll take a walk, or clean my room.

A change in time.

I can't say for sure if it was just as tragic the day the music died, but because of the speed of communication these days it seems as though you can't go anywhere without a tribute to Mr. Jackson.
to be completely honest, I did enjoy his music, but I was never a really big fan of him, and I can never say I was or I would be a liar. I understand the grieving of a person who has influenced many though his music, but I can't help but wonder how many of the tributes made out there are a ploy to gain attention, to gain recognition of their own work.
which brings me to another point.
Michael Jackson died, yes, but millions die everyday. where's their tribute? where's their medley? its unfair. Mothers, Father, Sisters, Brothers, Daughters, and Sons they influence our lives don't they? Police, Firemen, Doctors, Bystanders, they all save lives.
Could the world, for just once, not overreact to death of a famous person.
no one wants to be forgotten, i get that. but i don't think they want their death to be some kind of historical event, because it's an everyday thing. think about it this way, if there were to be a textbook with all the dates of famous people's death and a little obituary of them, it'd be larger than a dictionary.

we should move on, death is suppose to happen anyways.

I don't know what's been in the air lately

I can't help but think I'm changing to be one of those health nuts. Not to say that it would've happen at one point or another, but I think for lack of a better excuse it's because of my surroundings.

I'm also more of a bitter person towards people, especially couples. Most likely it's because I envy everything they have. I've always wanted to have that feeling of knowing someone besides my family and friends love/like me. I hope the summer brings this kind of feeling. I don't have any life experiences in anything so why not start with love.

Like a scene from a movie that's a love letter to music.

at the stage in Disneyland's tomorrowland and he's performing, I could've sworn he was looking at me while he's up there. I couldn't breath, I was lost in the power and energy of the music and his voice.
I loved it when he said my name. I never wanted to forget it. His british accent going through my brain. I needed to process every single bit of my night. But it sadly ended, and I never wanted it to.

now I pray that I can somehow see him again. which is a big unlikely.

I'm certain now.

I've spiraled down to paranoia-island, population me. I can't believe I haven't noticed this sooner and was able to stop it. But then again, I don't want to loose two friends. Fuck.

why did she have to two-time Texas AND chris. i feel sorry for those poor bastards. especially for chris, he doesn't stand a chance between texas. and, i mean, i used to like chris. i know he's made it perfectly clear, i'm a sister to him. that doesn't mean i can't try and help can it?

and now, all around me, every where i go, i'm the third fucking wheel. things just aren't like they used to be. i doubt that i have even one friend. oh sure, they sayi'm their friend, but am i?

i want to die for that reason (among many other reasons i can talk of later).

i wonder if people will cry if i died, If they would blame themselves for my suicide. knowing them they probably wouldn't. knowing all the faults that i have, i wouldn't.

And I thought I was done with such silly fantasies.

So it's definitely infatuation as of right now, but I have fallen for him. And I know he's just a flirt, and he says the same things to everyone. For once I wanted to be the apple of his eyes, the apple of someone's eye. I guess I'll have to live, hoping he's as true as I tried to be.

what I'm scared for.

the future.
realizing we were never really friends.
realizing who you really are.
why you keep secrets now.
what happened to us.
knowing that it was me to blame.
knowing things will never be the same.
living.
knowing I'm already dead.
figuring out all the knots that tied me you just to know we fell apart without them.
knowing I'm a wreck without someone by my side
knowing my mother will not always be with me on my side.
being alone.
knowing I'm alone.
being depressed.
becoming suicidal.
becoming addicted to you name it.
wondering why I haven't found him
wondering why I live while millions die.
wondering what kind of world I live in
wondering what people think.
wondering why people kill.
wondering why I can't see the stars at night
wondering why I can never breathe when I'm around you.
knowing that from now until the day I die I'll be wondering.

another year alive.

Is it wrong to be infatuated with more than one person?
or that one is married? or the other one is the ex-girlfriend of a close friend? and the last one is the guy i stare at the back of his head every sunday at mass?

I'm pretty sure it's wrong on so many levels.

I think me being older brings more things to surface.

I'm brought to tears of joy and sorrow

It wasn't until this year that I "discovered" God. I went to recongress 09 and there was a skit. it's called the everything skit. It brought me to tears knowing that he'll be there no matter how much we stray away from him. I learned that he doesn't need me but wants me to follow him. and I do have faith in him, no matter how many mysteries in my life will come because of it.

The 8 year crush.

I've probably loved this boy since the second grade. he's probably my best guy friend, I've told him things he probably doesn't remember.
I want friday to change our current relationship. I've always wanted to be with him. It's definitely more than infatuation because I know his faults and he knows mine.
He makes my heart beat ten times faster and it always takes me forever to build up the courage for me to ask him something like this. Even the thought of him makes my heart aflutter.
I'll admit, I've had numerous of dreams with him in it. the most recent one was us spending july 4th together. He was holding my hand and taking me across the world one step at a time.
The longer I've known him the harder it is to look him in the eye, because I'm scared he'll see something he won't like.
and as many times as I've been rejected I'm the most scared for his. and I hope it'll never happen.

So I've been thinking,about the word fan.
not the fan that keeps me cool, but fan as in, I'm a "fan" of this or that.
What makes a fan? How long does fandom last?
I know that if I were in a famous band, I wouldn't be all "I have so many fans." because then I'd sound like a conceited jerk. if anything I'd rather call the people that support, and care about my music my friends. It seems fans can come and go but someone from the start to the end is a friends wouldn't you say? and it just sounds so much cooler saying, "wow look how many friends came out here just to see lil' ol' me!" rather than "look how many fans I have."

I really don't want to include "them" into this blog but it applies to them so well. they have this new thing called the fan family experience or something around that name. It seems as though they want to make a close relationship with the people that listen to their music, but let's face it, most of the demographic they have are teenage girls who are just waiting for the next younger cuter guy to come along. That is probably the definition of a fan. Temporary infatuation.

It's a horrible how words in general have been so overused that the meaning and value of the word is nonexistent. Take for example Love. Everywhere you here I love you. and for some reason I'd like to believe that love is a word that is so strong that it should only be used in the presence of something as true as our relationship with God, or a spouse that has been there through all the hardships. I don't think you can love a person that gives you nice things or remembers your favorites. The moment I love you is said in a relationship I see it going downhill from there.

The same goes with hate. and Hate is worse. when I think of hate I think, " I want that person/thing to burn in limbo for thousands of years" and I would never want that to happen to anyone. no one deserves that, because everyone deserves forgiveness for their wrongs. So I could never said oh I hate this blasted contraption/homework/day because I know that's an exaggeration.

I find that the whole damned world is out to kill me.

Whether it be to suppress my freedom of speech through videos, or through the way I dress and look, or judge me in how I should look and feel. They should all take one big fucking stick and shove it up their ass, because they see me as an imbecile, when they themselves are the ones uninformed. I research everything I put myself at risk to. and yes. this also means videos on youtube. If I didn't want to put myself out there, and didn't want myself to be made known I would've been like "hey this is sketchy I don't want to be a part of this."

People say everyday to me that I'm an anti-social, or that I'm quiet or a stupid apathetic emo shit. Okay the last one was me that said that to myself but you get the idea. I'm simply unable to speak to human but to a machine. This is because I know I won't be judged by a machine, I won't be mocked by a machine. If anything, I'm protecting myself from the worlds most dangerous wepons, our words.

So why then must I be contained to a box, a labyrinth. The world is such a pussy.