So I've been thinking,about the word fan.
not the fan that keeps me cool, but fan as in, I'm a "fan" of this or that.
What makes a fan? How long does fandom last?
I know that if I were in a famous band, I wouldn't be all "I have so many fans." because then I'd sound like a conceited jerk. if anything I'd rather call the people that support, and care about my music my friends. It seems fans can come and go but someone from the start to the end is a friends wouldn't you say? and it just sounds so much cooler saying, "wow look how many friends came out here just to see lil' ol' me!" rather than "look how many fans I have."

I really don't want to include "them" into this blog but it applies to them so well. they have this new thing called the fan family experience or something around that name. It seems as though they want to make a close relationship with the people that listen to their music, but let's face it, most of the demographic they have are teenage girls who are just waiting for the next younger cuter guy to come along. That is probably the definition of a fan. Temporary infatuation.

It's a horrible how words in general have been so overused that the meaning and value of the word is nonexistent. Take for example Love. Everywhere you here I love you. and for some reason I'd like to believe that love is a word that is so strong that it should only be used in the presence of something as true as our relationship with God, or a spouse that has been there through all the hardships. I don't think you can love a person that gives you nice things or remembers your favorites. The moment I love you is said in a relationship I see it going downhill from there.

The same goes with hate. and Hate is worse. when I think of hate I think, " I want that person/thing to burn in limbo for thousands of years" and I would never want that to happen to anyone. no one deserves that, because everyone deserves forgiveness for their wrongs. So I could never said oh I hate this blasted contraption/homework/day because I know that's an exaggeration.

I find that the whole damned world is out to kill me.

Whether it be to suppress my freedom of speech through videos, or through the way I dress and look, or judge me in how I should look and feel. They should all take one big fucking stick and shove it up their ass, because they see me as an imbecile, when they themselves are the ones uninformed. I research everything I put myself at risk to. and yes. this also means videos on youtube. If I didn't want to put myself out there, and didn't want myself to be made known I would've been like "hey this is sketchy I don't want to be a part of this."

People say everyday to me that I'm an anti-social, or that I'm quiet or a stupid apathetic emo shit. Okay the last one was me that said that to myself but you get the idea. I'm simply unable to speak to human but to a machine. This is because I know I won't be judged by a machine, I won't be mocked by a machine. If anything, I'm protecting myself from the worlds most dangerous wepons, our words.

So why then must I be contained to a box, a labyrinth. The world is such a pussy.

And they wonder why I hate life so much

So I'm pretty sure I'm visible right? Apparently not. I'm outside waiting in the cold for my ride. He's all the way in god knows where. I wish I could just drive so I wouldn't have to put myself at risk for diseases or even becoming a frozen yeti. This gives me the perfect escape for running away actually, but let's face it I'm broke and have no where to go. I guess I could just keep on running but I'm not that kind of person to runaway from life situations. If only they knew how I feel right now. Lonely, cold, depressed, and overall wishing for two things. Either my early death or for some miracle.

Something

there's something bout' this time of year that makes me melancholy. It could be the weather or the constant darkness that I see from day to day. But all I know is that I've lost all motivation. It's day's like these that I would just like to sleep in my bed for as long as possible or even worse, never waking up. 

which brings me to my next topic of discussion.

I'm not one to think of suicide or death (although most people assume otherwise.) I want to die in the prime of my life, not old and forgotten. I want to die like I lived my life, straight and fast. That probably doesn't make sense to someone reading this but I'll explain don't worry. I've always felt as if life were just one blur. I guess, to put it in an analogy I've been living my life as if it were in the fast lane on the highway. I've come to the point where I don't remember what happened yesterday and tomorrow will be almost identical. I don't even dream anymore. every night is just a black space.

I guess it's the weather making me feel this way, and creating this vibe that is unwanted. But it'll pass.

This post comes to you in pieces

Part 1: I lied the jonas brothers strike again

It's not my fault they got nominated for a grammy. 

Alright, I'm not one to be all piss ass about how they don't deserve one because JB isn't really music but they really don't deserve one. They aren't a "new artist." They've had 3 fugging albums already out and have been around for 2-3 years now. I don't see how that's being considered a new artist. Even if they were to be a mainstream artist. They've been mainstream for at least two years.

It pisses me off.

Part 2:Movie Magic

I've gotten two new movies Wall-E and The Dark Night. Yes I know two very different movies. Personally Wall-E is my favorite of all time. It's Brilliant. I can't get enough of it. Even when I'm sleeping its replaying over and over in my head. 

Don't get me started on the dark knight. It's one of the few action movies I own.  surprising enough the other action movies I own are also comic book hero movies. What can I say? I'm a fangirl for only four things in the world : 1)Marvel/DC comics. 2)Apple(Mac). 3)Nintendo. 4)Anime.

Part 3:The Therapist agrees I don't need him.

I went to see my first therapist on thursday, he agreed with me on not needing one. I knew it all along but no I have to oblige to those of higher power. At least he said I was stable and articulate. Nobody says that to me.

Part 4: Lets make babies.

I find it soooo amazing that in Bio we're doing a lab on predictability with genes and making babies.(not literally of course, the media would have a field day if we did) I have to choose who I'd want as a companion though, which is horrible. I don't fancy anyone, let alone want to see what our future children would look like. For some reason I want to choose some random person that no one knows about so it wouldn't matter, but I know, no matter what people will care and be all up in my business about it. 

 

Part 5: I miss the youtube.

I remember 05' youtube. Those were the days. now there's widescreen, top friends, and partnerships? don't get me wrong I like the widescreen, and I understand that partnerships are useful for people that can use it as a part-time job. But seriously, all the changes they've made, and youtube live, I see them as pointless. 

I think that's about it. 

goodbye.

The last of the Jonas Brothers post

hopefully, that is if  they stop being such creepers.

they follow me around everywhere. it's insane. I'm not even a real big fan of them or anything, sure their music is okay and ya I admit the curly one is cute (kevin I mean) and I have been to their concerts. but I've been a fan since 06 so it's not like I'm one of those people that will fawn over them and give my left boob to meet them, seriously. I could do way better in the world than to waste my time over a bunch of teenage boys that make music because they enjoy it. please, infatuation was SO age 13. I'm over it. 

The antisocial.

The Dean questions my insanity, which I find so infuriating. What right does she have to say I'm antisocial or to question my sanity. I'm  perfectly fine. Seriously. She's telling me to get a therapist, when clearly I don't. She's taking my many library visits as a sign that I don't have friends or that I'm avoiding my problems, when really I'm trying to bring up my failing grades. Heck, just because she was the miss popular when she was in school doesn't mean just because I go to the library to study makes me anti-social. Heck, all my friends join me in the library and help me with homework too. God, and she says I'm being more quiet in class, I've been the same quiet for all 11 years of my school life and she says I was vibrant last year, well let me tell you something, I've grown up since last year, matured, I guess you should say, so why in the world are you telling me that I need a therapist when clearly you are the one that does. aggghhh. If there is any reason as to why I would need a therapist is to yell about how she's the one that makes me so angsty and frustrated with life. 

Alright now that I have that off my shoulders, I can finish my homework in which I've yet to finish. Goodnight lovely.

-Audrey