It's Been awhile.

As much as I'd like to tell you I've been on the most amazing journey of my young adult life, or at least one comparable to eat pray love, I'd be lying.

For the past few months I've been doing pretty much what any young person has to do, go to school, learn, just go through the motions.

It's been difficult just being around friends, every ten seconds I heard his name, and only till now am I okay and moving on. (took me long enough)

But whatever happened to the stranger? I kicked him to the curb and out of my life, and good rid-dens. He was too clingy, and too.... not my type. If i even have a type.

So I've been smooth sailing for the past few weeks, months, and guess what?

I've convinced myself that babyface has feelings for me (other than friendship). and as much as I want to say he's only a friend, I seriously am doubting this right now.

For the past few weeks I've seen him on weekends, mostly movie nights with large groups of friends, and usually we give each other (at most) hugs, greetings and goodbyes. But everything was different last weekend.

I guess I should first off mention that my ex was there (but he was irrelevant to everything because we ignored each other the entire night). Anyways, so it was a movie night and dinner (we went out for teriyaki) during dinner I pop out a film I had (science of sleep if you were wondering) and he just gets this look on his face of pure happiness. We didn't end up watching the movie, or any movie at all. well just a small group of us at least didn't watch any movie (we were rather content without watching the departed). So he decides to sit next to me for the entire night (usually he's across the entire room), at the end of the night says, "goodnight my tumblr crush." As ridiculous as it sounds it was cute. but it just confused the hell out of me because he usually only refers to me as my name, and I don't know why he would even bring up tumblr crushes in the first place because we don't talk very much about our tumblrs at all, let alone talk to each other very much.

this brings me to the next day. where we went to the same party. (I didn't actually expect him to be there, but slightly hoping he was) (oh yeah ex was there too). When I got to my friend's house I saw him get out of his truck, needless to say I was excited and nervous for no reason what so ever. First thing he says to me " Hey, you look good." what guy acknowledges your good lookingness if he's not interested? (this may all be in my head because I swear I don't know what goes on in a boy's mind) We went to a music museum, not a big deal. But the fact that he was around me the entire night kind of confused me, because he had his guy friends to hang around but instead chose me (even though I was hanging with my girl friends for the majority of the night so he kind of just tagged along which I felt bad about because I bet he would have more fun hanging out with his friends.) So that kind of sums up that weekend.

He's been talking to me more than I've ever talked to him in the past I don't know how many months, so (this all may be in my crazy mind) but I think he may have a thing for me. oh last note I randomly put on tumblr, Be my Valentine? just as an objective thing to tumblr (because I'm convinced that I'm going to spend valentines day on tumblr) and he actually responded saying something along the lines of ... tempting. yeah... I'm going insane over this boy.

But it's not like I'm going to let him past me by.

this weekend we're going bowling. (maybe I should make a move?)

I've made a big mistake.

i took for granted the best thing in my life and pushed it away, like I've always done.

I always try an not get attached to people for fear they may leave me. and i push them away, and making myself feel more lonely than I tried to keep myself from.

here's a change. let me talk religion...

where to start? I guess I should begin on my background to where I am now and move on from there.

I've been brought up in a devout catholic family, and I considered myself to be a devout catholic. In my mind i would become a nun at one point and devote my life to god. Since then I've had a "roller coaster" type ride with faith.
I was content to where I was up until confirmation. this is where my surroundings helped to make me want to be a better christian. I hated the people that were in my group. peers that had no real system of belief and just wanted to fuck around. I reached out to a community that actually cared for faith and what it had to offer.
But after everything, I still felt unsatisfied with what I was learning what these people were telling me. Slowly but surely, I lost faith.

This is where I'm at now. Not a theist but not an atheist. I don't believe in religion because I always seem to find my beliefs are conflicting with the ideals of religions. But I also don't deny the fact that there is a higher power, because who am I to say if there is or isn't one. I'm always wondering, if there is one and if he does care.
Also I've always felt as if the redeemer was just a scapegoat for all people who don't want to take responsibility for their actions. that's all I have to say about that.

So continuing on about whatever I'm rambling about. I've admired religion in the sense that it brings community, and consistency to life. I admit that since I have lost faith my life lacks consistency and I do miss the community that came along with religion.

So where do i go from here? Do I try and find a God in my life? or do I abandon faith completely?

Fickle? Yes

So as much as the stranger and I are falling for each other I still want to keep the other. It's the whole I want my cake and eat it too. Actually I never understood that saying. If you get cake you eat it. Anyways, if this is the end of me and the other than my heart will undoubtedly feel broken. Being with a person that long is bound to make an attachment right?

and now I don't feel regret.

Being with this 'stranger' makes me feel better. He's made me happier than I have been in the past few months.

I think it's for the best now. I think many people settle with contentedness. and me being who I am cannot settle. at the time, yes I was more than content with where I was. but routine and monotony was bound to bore me.

with my stranger life is an adventure. I discovered a world I no longer want to leave. Somehow being with him feels more natural than being with the other.

He's like me in many ways. our views are similar and how we want our lives mesh seamlessly.

Our conversations aren't forced and proportionally we're perfect.

I want to move up to be with him. I want to love him, I want to slow dance with him on the rooftop again.

I'm getting sick of trying.

He won't respond to me. why am I trying so hard? oh thats right, because he is the best thing in my life. fuck. I screwed up my life so much.

I feel terrible for wanting him to feel terrible.

he kind of deserves it though. we've been together for 9 months and He stood me up. I'm mad at him. and I really don't think there is anyway around what he's done. He's apologized, but I don't think it's enough this time. it's one thing to not answer calls or texts, but it's another to keep me waiting,thinking,hoping he'd show up. it breaks my heart. it really does. and as much as I would like to tell him these things, I won't. because I don't want him to be torn inside for his mistake. At least, I don't want him to be torn because I told him it hurt me. I want him to be torn knowing he fucked up big time.
i didn't think I would ever have to go through this kind of pain again. silly me to believe it.
Now I'm wishing that he's wide awake in bed torturing himself for forgetting. wishing he could turn back time and remember.
I've cried myself to sleep knowing that day by day I'm losing him. knowing he won't last in my life. it's killing me. tearing me apart. I want him to feel my pain. my breaking heart.