Like a scene from a movie that's a love letter to music.

at the stage in Disneyland's tomorrowland and he's performing, I could've sworn he was looking at me while he's up there. I couldn't breath, I was lost in the power and energy of the music and his voice.
I loved it when he said my name. I never wanted to forget it. His british accent going through my brain. I needed to process every single bit of my night. But it sadly ended, and I never wanted it to.

now I pray that I can somehow see him again. which is a big unlikely.

I'm certain now.

I've spiraled down to paranoia-island, population me. I can't believe I haven't noticed this sooner and was able to stop it. But then again, I don't want to loose two friends. Fuck.

why did she have to two-time Texas AND chris. i feel sorry for those poor bastards. especially for chris, he doesn't stand a chance between texas. and, i mean, i used to like chris. i know he's made it perfectly clear, i'm a sister to him. that doesn't mean i can't try and help can it?

and now, all around me, every where i go, i'm the third fucking wheel. things just aren't like they used to be. i doubt that i have even one friend. oh sure, they sayi'm their friend, but am i?

i want to die for that reason (among many other reasons i can talk of later).

i wonder if people will cry if i died, If they would blame themselves for my suicide. knowing them they probably wouldn't. knowing all the faults that i have, i wouldn't.

And I thought I was done with such silly fantasies.

So it's definitely infatuation as of right now, but I have fallen for him. And I know he's just a flirt, and he says the same things to everyone. For once I wanted to be the apple of his eyes, the apple of someone's eye. I guess I'll have to live, hoping he's as true as I tried to be.

what I'm scared for.

the future.
realizing we were never really friends.
realizing who you really are.
why you keep secrets now.
what happened to us.
knowing that it was me to blame.
knowing things will never be the same.
living.
knowing I'm already dead.
figuring out all the knots that tied me you just to know we fell apart without them.
knowing I'm a wreck without someone by my side
knowing my mother will not always be with me on my side.
being alone.
knowing I'm alone.
being depressed.
becoming suicidal.
becoming addicted to you name it.
wondering why I haven't found him
wondering why I live while millions die.
wondering what kind of world I live in
wondering what people think.
wondering why people kill.
wondering why I can't see the stars at night
wondering why I can never breathe when I'm around you.
knowing that from now until the day I die I'll be wondering.

another year alive.

Is it wrong to be infatuated with more than one person?
or that one is married? or the other one is the ex-girlfriend of a close friend? and the last one is the guy i stare at the back of his head every sunday at mass?

I'm pretty sure it's wrong on so many levels.

I think me being older brings more things to surface.

I'm brought to tears of joy and sorrow

It wasn't until this year that I "discovered" God. I went to recongress 09 and there was a skit. it's called the everything skit. It brought me to tears knowing that he'll be there no matter how much we stray away from him. I learned that he doesn't need me but wants me to follow him. and I do have faith in him, no matter how many mysteries in my life will come because of it.

The 8 year crush.

I've probably loved this boy since the second grade. he's probably my best guy friend, I've told him things he probably doesn't remember.
I want friday to change our current relationship. I've always wanted to be with him. It's definitely more than infatuation because I know his faults and he knows mine.
He makes my heart beat ten times faster and it always takes me forever to build up the courage for me to ask him something like this. Even the thought of him makes my heart aflutter.
I'll admit, I've had numerous of dreams with him in it. the most recent one was us spending july 4th together. He was holding my hand and taking me across the world one step at a time.
The longer I've known him the harder it is to look him in the eye, because I'm scared he'll see something he won't like.
and as many times as I've been rejected I'm the most scared for his. and I hope it'll never happen.