And I thought I was done with such silly fantasies.

So it's definitely infatuation as of right now, but I have fallen for him. And I know he's just a flirt, and he says the same things to everyone. For once I wanted to be the apple of his eyes, the apple of someone's eye. I guess I'll have to live, hoping he's as true as I tried to be.

what I'm scared for.

the future.
realizing we were never really friends.
realizing who you really are.
why you keep secrets now.
what happened to us.
knowing that it was me to blame.
knowing things will never be the same.
living.
knowing I'm already dead.
figuring out all the knots that tied me you just to know we fell apart without them.
knowing I'm a wreck without someone by my side
knowing my mother will not always be with me on my side.
being alone.
knowing I'm alone.
being depressed.
becoming suicidal.
becoming addicted to you name it.
wondering why I haven't found him
wondering why I live while millions die.
wondering what kind of world I live in
wondering what people think.
wondering why people kill.
wondering why I can't see the stars at night
wondering why I can never breathe when I'm around you.
knowing that from now until the day I die I'll be wondering.

another year alive.

Is it wrong to be infatuated with more than one person?
or that one is married? or the other one is the ex-girlfriend of a close friend? and the last one is the guy i stare at the back of his head every sunday at mass?

I'm pretty sure it's wrong on so many levels.

I think me being older brings more things to surface.

I'm brought to tears of joy and sorrow

It wasn't until this year that I "discovered" God. I went to recongress 09 and there was a skit. it's called the everything skit. It brought me to tears knowing that he'll be there no matter how much we stray away from him. I learned that he doesn't need me but wants me to follow him. and I do have faith in him, no matter how many mysteries in my life will come because of it.

The 8 year crush.

I've probably loved this boy since the second grade. he's probably my best guy friend, I've told him things he probably doesn't remember.
I want friday to change our current relationship. I've always wanted to be with him. It's definitely more than infatuation because I know his faults and he knows mine.
He makes my heart beat ten times faster and it always takes me forever to build up the courage for me to ask him something like this. Even the thought of him makes my heart aflutter.
I'll admit, I've had numerous of dreams with him in it. the most recent one was us spending july 4th together. He was holding my hand and taking me across the world one step at a time.
The longer I've known him the harder it is to look him in the eye, because I'm scared he'll see something he won't like.
and as many times as I've been rejected I'm the most scared for his. and I hope it'll never happen.

So I've been thinking,about the word fan.
not the fan that keeps me cool, but fan as in, I'm a "fan" of this or that.
What makes a fan? How long does fandom last?
I know that if I were in a famous band, I wouldn't be all "I have so many fans." because then I'd sound like a conceited jerk. if anything I'd rather call the people that support, and care about my music my friends. It seems fans can come and go but someone from the start to the end is a friends wouldn't you say? and it just sounds so much cooler saying, "wow look how many friends came out here just to see lil' ol' me!" rather than "look how many fans I have."

I really don't want to include "them" into this blog but it applies to them so well. they have this new thing called the fan family experience or something around that name. It seems as though they want to make a close relationship with the people that listen to their music, but let's face it, most of the demographic they have are teenage girls who are just waiting for the next younger cuter guy to come along. That is probably the definition of a fan. Temporary infatuation.

It's a horrible how words in general have been so overused that the meaning and value of the word is nonexistent. Take for example Love. Everywhere you here I love you. and for some reason I'd like to believe that love is a word that is so strong that it should only be used in the presence of something as true as our relationship with God, or a spouse that has been there through all the hardships. I don't think you can love a person that gives you nice things or remembers your favorites. The moment I love you is said in a relationship I see it going downhill from there.

The same goes with hate. and Hate is worse. when I think of hate I think, " I want that person/thing to burn in limbo for thousands of years" and I would never want that to happen to anyone. no one deserves that, because everyone deserves forgiveness for their wrongs. So I could never said oh I hate this blasted contraption/homework/day because I know that's an exaggeration.

I find that the whole damned world is out to kill me.

Whether it be to suppress my freedom of speech through videos, or through the way I dress and look, or judge me in how I should look and feel. They should all take one big fucking stick and shove it up their ass, because they see me as an imbecile, when they themselves are the ones uninformed. I research everything I put myself at risk to. and yes. this also means videos on youtube. If I didn't want to put myself out there, and didn't want myself to be made known I would've been like "hey this is sketchy I don't want to be a part of this."

People say everyday to me that I'm an anti-social, or that I'm quiet or a stupid apathetic emo shit. Okay the last one was me that said that to myself but you get the idea. I'm simply unable to speak to human but to a machine. This is because I know I won't be judged by a machine, I won't be mocked by a machine. If anything, I'm protecting myself from the worlds most dangerous wepons, our words.

So why then must I be contained to a box, a labyrinth. The world is such a pussy.