And they wonder why I hate life so much

So I'm pretty sure I'm visible right? Apparently not. I'm outside waiting in the cold for my ride. He's all the way in god knows where. I wish I could just drive so I wouldn't have to put myself at risk for diseases or even becoming a frozen yeti. This gives me the perfect escape for running away actually, but let's face it I'm broke and have no where to go. I guess I could just keep on running but I'm not that kind of person to runaway from life situations. If only they knew how I feel right now. Lonely, cold, depressed, and overall wishing for two things. Either my early death or for some miracle.

Something

there's something bout' this time of year that makes me melancholy. It could be the weather or the constant darkness that I see from day to day. But all I know is that I've lost all motivation. It's day's like these that I would just like to sleep in my bed for as long as possible or even worse, never waking up. 

which brings me to my next topic of discussion.

I'm not one to think of suicide or death (although most people assume otherwise.) I want to die in the prime of my life, not old and forgotten. I want to die like I lived my life, straight and fast. That probably doesn't make sense to someone reading this but I'll explain don't worry. I've always felt as if life were just one blur. I guess, to put it in an analogy I've been living my life as if it were in the fast lane on the highway. I've come to the point where I don't remember what happened yesterday and tomorrow will be almost identical. I don't even dream anymore. every night is just a black space.

I guess it's the weather making me feel this way, and creating this vibe that is unwanted. But it'll pass.

This post comes to you in pieces

Part 1: I lied the jonas brothers strike again

It's not my fault they got nominated for a grammy. 

Alright, I'm not one to be all piss ass about how they don't deserve one because JB isn't really music but they really don't deserve one. They aren't a "new artist." They've had 3 fugging albums already out and have been around for 2-3 years now. I don't see how that's being considered a new artist. Even if they were to be a mainstream artist. They've been mainstream for at least two years.

It pisses me off.

Part 2:Movie Magic

I've gotten two new movies Wall-E and The Dark Night. Yes I know two very different movies. Personally Wall-E is my favorite of all time. It's Brilliant. I can't get enough of it. Even when I'm sleeping its replaying over and over in my head. 

Don't get me started on the dark knight. It's one of the few action movies I own.  surprising enough the other action movies I own are also comic book hero movies. What can I say? I'm a fangirl for only four things in the world : 1)Marvel/DC comics. 2)Apple(Mac). 3)Nintendo. 4)Anime.

Part 3:The Therapist agrees I don't need him.

I went to see my first therapist on thursday, he agreed with me on not needing one. I knew it all along but no I have to oblige to those of higher power. At least he said I was stable and articulate. Nobody says that to me.

Part 4: Lets make babies.

I find it soooo amazing that in Bio we're doing a lab on predictability with genes and making babies.(not literally of course, the media would have a field day if we did) I have to choose who I'd want as a companion though, which is horrible. I don't fancy anyone, let alone want to see what our future children would look like. For some reason I want to choose some random person that no one knows about so it wouldn't matter, but I know, no matter what people will care and be all up in my business about it. 

 

Part 5: I miss the youtube.

I remember 05' youtube. Those were the days. now there's widescreen, top friends, and partnerships? don't get me wrong I like the widescreen, and I understand that partnerships are useful for people that can use it as a part-time job. But seriously, all the changes they've made, and youtube live, I see them as pointless. 

I think that's about it. 

goodbye.

The last of the Jonas Brothers post

hopefully, that is if  they stop being such creepers.

they follow me around everywhere. it's insane. I'm not even a real big fan of them or anything, sure their music is okay and ya I admit the curly one is cute (kevin I mean) and I have been to their concerts. but I've been a fan since 06 so it's not like I'm one of those people that will fawn over them and give my left boob to meet them, seriously. I could do way better in the world than to waste my time over a bunch of teenage boys that make music because they enjoy it. please, infatuation was SO age 13. I'm over it. 

The antisocial.

The Dean questions my insanity, which I find so infuriating. What right does she have to say I'm antisocial or to question my sanity. I'm  perfectly fine. Seriously. She's telling me to get a therapist, when clearly I don't. She's taking my many library visits as a sign that I don't have friends or that I'm avoiding my problems, when really I'm trying to bring up my failing grades. Heck, just because she was the miss popular when she was in school doesn't mean just because I go to the library to study makes me anti-social. Heck, all my friends join me in the library and help me with homework too. God, and she says I'm being more quiet in class, I've been the same quiet for all 11 years of my school life and she says I was vibrant last year, well let me tell you something, I've grown up since last year, matured, I guess you should say, so why in the world are you telling me that I need a therapist when clearly you are the one that does. aggghhh. If there is any reason as to why I would need a therapist is to yell about how she's the one that makes me so angsty and frustrated with life. 

Alright now that I have that off my shoulders, I can finish my homework in which I've yet to finish. Goodnight lovely.

-Audrey

People think I need a therapist.

my past comes back to haunt me. harmless videos of my loneliness that are completely irrelevant to the present cone back with vengeance.

Okay I admit I do suppress feelings, a lot. but that's because I'm neither in the time or place to be sobbing or laughing or to be getting angry. I don't need a therapist, really I don't. In fact, I think therapists are ridiculous and aren't necessary. I myself know how to unlock the door to my unconscious mind and be able to figure out as to why I'm sad, or scared, without the help of a therapist. From there I move on and live my life knowing why. If anything a therapist would keep me from moving on with my life and stuck in the moment in which made me who I am. All I know is that at this moment, I don't need a fancy therapist, I don't need the help they want me to get. It's a waste of money and time. 

If I needed someone to talk to, I'd call a hotline. Its way less, and I don't have to form a bond with anyone. it's plenty fine with me. 

If I need anti depressants I guess I'll just kill myself when it's too late.

A lot has happened

I think I'm more messed up than I have ever been. Failing three classes minimum. I'm utterly unmotivated for anything in life except becoming a designer. I want nothing more than to sleep, eat, sew and read. 

Then again I wanted my life to be like Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella.

I think for the most part I want to live in a fantasy world where grades don't matter and to become what you yearn for is just a matter of pages. I'm not going to say I'm going to write all my dreams on paper and turn it into a book. I'm failing english. I'd rather read for pleasure and not for analyzation. I don't want to be graded for fragments and run ons. I don't want to be graded on my ideas and interpretations.

Before my rambling I just wanted to say this, I'm a failure and I've accepted it, and that's my problem.

I want to be something amazing, but where I am now, will get me no where in life. If you think about it, besides math and grammar, what's the point of science if you don't want to be a scientist. what's the point of history if all I want is to live in the present. 

My favourite quote of the moment is this : " Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains" by jean jacques rouseau. 

Its the only quote I find that makes me think. we ARE born free but we're always slave to some higher power, no matter how obscure the power can be. and no matter how high and mighty one may think they are, they are as much a slave as the person on the streets or working a crap job at mcdonalds.There is a higher power who makes us do everything we do. even fail.