full circle?

guess who sent me a message about starting to be friends again? yeah it was the ex. I'm kinda glad though. lately I've been thinking of talking to him again. Before we dated we were pretty good friends and I've finally been able to create male friendships with no sexual tension. I have to thank seattle for giving me the gay bar and work with fantastic people. 

I'm still with my babyface boyfriend. Who I'd really love to spend the rest of my life with. 

Life is good.

I have everything that I needed. Like moving away and starting a new life.

It happened and it's fantastic.

It's Been awhile.

As much as I'd like to tell you I've been on the most amazing journey of my young adult life, or at least one comparable to eat pray love, I'd be lying.

For the past few months I've been doing pretty much what any young person has to do, go to school, learn, just go through the motions.

It's been difficult just being around friends, every ten seconds I heard his name, and only till now am I okay and moving on. (took me long enough)

But whatever happened to the stranger? I kicked him to the curb and out of my life, and good rid-dens. He was too clingy, and too.... not my type. If i even have a type.

So I've been smooth sailing for the past few weeks, months, and guess what?

I've convinced myself that babyface has feelings for me (other than friendship). and as much as I want to say he's only a friend, I seriously am doubting this right now.

For the past few weeks I've seen him on weekends, mostly movie nights with large groups of friends, and usually we give each other (at most) hugs, greetings and goodbyes. But everything was different last weekend.

I guess I should first off mention that my ex was there (but he was irrelevant to everything because we ignored each other the entire night). Anyways, so it was a movie night and dinner (we went out for teriyaki) during dinner I pop out a film I had (science of sleep if you were wondering) and he just gets this look on his face of pure happiness. We didn't end up watching the movie, or any movie at all. well just a small group of us at least didn't watch any movie (we were rather content without watching the departed). So he decides to sit next to me for the entire night (usually he's across the entire room), at the end of the night says, "goodnight my tumblr crush." As ridiculous as it sounds it was cute. but it just confused the hell out of me because he usually only refers to me as my name, and I don't know why he would even bring up tumblr crushes in the first place because we don't talk very much about our tumblrs at all, let alone talk to each other very much.

this brings me to the next day. where we went to the same party. (I didn't actually expect him to be there, but slightly hoping he was) (oh yeah ex was there too). When I got to my friend's house I saw him get out of his truck, needless to say I was excited and nervous for no reason what so ever. First thing he says to me " Hey, you look good." what guy acknowledges your good lookingness if he's not interested? (this may all be in my head because I swear I don't know what goes on in a boy's mind) We went to a music museum, not a big deal. But the fact that he was around me the entire night kind of confused me, because he had his guy friends to hang around but instead chose me (even though I was hanging with my girl friends for the majority of the night so he kind of just tagged along which I felt bad about because I bet he would have more fun hanging out with his friends.) So that kind of sums up that weekend.

He's been talking to me more than I've ever talked to him in the past I don't know how many months, so (this all may be in my crazy mind) but I think he may have a thing for me. oh last note I randomly put on tumblr, Be my Valentine? just as an objective thing to tumblr (because I'm convinced that I'm going to spend valentines day on tumblr) and he actually responded saying something along the lines of ... tempting. yeah... I'm going insane over this boy.

But it's not like I'm going to let him past me by.

this weekend we're going bowling. (maybe I should make a move?)

I've made a big mistake.

i took for granted the best thing in my life and pushed it away, like I've always done.

I always try an not get attached to people for fear they may leave me. and i push them away, and making myself feel more lonely than I tried to keep myself from.

here's a change. let me talk religion...

where to start? I guess I should begin on my background to where I am now and move on from there.

I've been brought up in a devout catholic family, and I considered myself to be a devout catholic. In my mind i would become a nun at one point and devote my life to god. Since then I've had a "roller coaster" type ride with faith.
I was content to where I was up until confirmation. this is where my surroundings helped to make me want to be a better christian. I hated the people that were in my group. peers that had no real system of belief and just wanted to fuck around. I reached out to a community that actually cared for faith and what it had to offer.
But after everything, I still felt unsatisfied with what I was learning what these people were telling me. Slowly but surely, I lost faith.

This is where I'm at now. Not a theist but not an atheist. I don't believe in religion because I always seem to find my beliefs are conflicting with the ideals of religions. But I also don't deny the fact that there is a higher power, because who am I to say if there is or isn't one. I'm always wondering, if there is one and if he does care.
Also I've always felt as if the redeemer was just a scapegoat for all people who don't want to take responsibility for their actions. that's all I have to say about that.

So continuing on about whatever I'm rambling about. I've admired religion in the sense that it brings community, and consistency to life. I admit that since I have lost faith my life lacks consistency and I do miss the community that came along with religion.

So where do i go from here? Do I try and find a God in my life? or do I abandon faith completely?

Fickle? Yes

So as much as the stranger and I are falling for each other I still want to keep the other. It's the whole I want my cake and eat it too. Actually I never understood that saying. If you get cake you eat it. Anyways, if this is the end of me and the other than my heart will undoubtedly feel broken. Being with a person that long is bound to make an attachment right?

and now I don't feel regret.

Being with this 'stranger' makes me feel better. He's made me happier than I have been in the past few months.

I think it's for the best now. I think many people settle with contentedness. and me being who I am cannot settle. at the time, yes I was more than content with where I was. but routine and monotony was bound to bore me.

with my stranger life is an adventure. I discovered a world I no longer want to leave. Somehow being with him feels more natural than being with the other.

He's like me in many ways. our views are similar and how we want our lives mesh seamlessly.

Our conversations aren't forced and proportionally we're perfect.

I want to move up to be with him. I want to love him, I want to slow dance with him on the rooftop again.

I'm getting sick of trying.

He won't respond to me. why am I trying so hard? oh thats right, because he is the best thing in my life. fuck. I screwed up my life so much.

I feel terrible for wanting him to feel terrible.

he kind of deserves it though. we've been together for 9 months and He stood me up. I'm mad at him. and I really don't think there is anyway around what he's done. He's apologized, but I don't think it's enough this time. it's one thing to not answer calls or texts, but it's another to keep me waiting,thinking,hoping he'd show up. it breaks my heart. it really does. and as much as I would like to tell him these things, I won't. because I don't want him to be torn inside for his mistake. At least, I don't want him to be torn because I told him it hurt me. I want him to be torn knowing he fucked up big time.
i didn't think I would ever have to go through this kind of pain again. silly me to believe it.
Now I'm wishing that he's wide awake in bed torturing himself for forgetting. wishing he could turn back time and remember.
I've cried myself to sleep knowing that day by day I'm losing him. knowing he won't last in my life. it's killing me. tearing me apart. I want him to feel my pain. my breaking heart.

i love him but I hate him, is that normal?

sometimes I want to just bitchslap him for being so clueless. Does he seriously think he's getting away with this shit? I really don't want to put up with his crap anymore.

I feel like a hopeless piece of shit.

I hope he's not ignoring me... in my mind I feel the end. Please tell me it's all in my head and he's not ignoring me and all these messages are just lost through technology. my heart is breaking. I'm trying to think of all the things I could've done wrong. or has he simply lost interest in me? oh please say it ain't so.

okay sick of the guessing.

Who would have thought that being in a relationship causes such a worry. I feel like I'm always in a constant panic of doing something wrong that would make him mad at me and ultimately breaking up with me. I can't even think of life without him, I would do anything to keep him safe, for him to know how much i love and care for him. honestly, my mistakes are always out of stupidity, and trying to be a smart ass, if only he would see pass those mistakes and still love me.

A flaw to fanfiction.

this may just be the fan fiction I've read (which isn't much to be honest), but everything seems like it comes straight out of the ass of some little fangirl. And it's written like a stephanie Meyer book where things are so unbelievably unrealistic. within days they fall in love and he's openly willing to have his love live with him. and the guy is just such a creeper. they lead you to hidden places and are overly forward. yea, just my type of fantasy. I know fanfiction isn't suppose to be quality writing, but it doesn't give a valid reason just pull things willy nilly out of your head. shouldn't there be a real plot? And how is it that things are conveniently there when they need it. it like I didn't mean for you to cry in the middle of this hidden forest but I brought a tissue box and placed it next to these strawberries that I brought. seriously... what the hell?

I want to scream to the heavens.

I can't believe what's happened in the past month. My first boyfriend, my first kiss. My heartbeats faster just thinking about him. He's made me happier than any other person has. He makes me feel so safe when I'm in his arms. I can't stop smiling when I think about him. It's only been 3 weeks but it feels like hours have gone by. I can't wait to see him again.

I'm a lost person.

Am I lying to myself?

I say I'm alright. Being single, never been kissed, being happy with my current life situation. in ways, I am. But let's face it, all around me, people are making up, breaking up, falling in love. I'm on the outside looking into the idea of a happy life. Let's face it, we want what we can't have. This is my case.

Giving Myself.

I admit, with my whole body, that I have had lost faith and understanding in everything that was around me.

I'm a born and raised a "devout" Catholic. I put devout in quotations because for most of my life I never felt as if I truly was giving my life to God. On my father's side I have a very strict traditional Roman Catholic family. Traditional enough that they still went to mass that was said in latin whenever possible. My mother's side, however, are more non-practicing Catholics. They went to church every sunday and most holy days of obligation, but none of them really lived a life that reflects the image of God, if you know what I mean. (side note: I think my cousin converted to atheism and is now a lesbian) It's as if I was a mix of both. Many reasons of my lack of true faith is because I always felt pressured into Catholicism from my Grandmother. She made me pray the rosary and read the bible everyday at 3 o'clock. As a child, I just wanted to go outside and play, or watch pokemon at 3 o'clock to be quite honest. As I entered 5th grade I became an Altar girl. At first it was great, I got to part-take in the mass helping the priest. As time wore-on, it became more of a chore or hassle. Don't get me wrong being an altar person helped me actually pay attention to the readings in mass, I just couldn't bring myself to staying once I graduated.

I've been going to a Catholic school all my life, and before you start thinking of nuns with yard sticks and daily masses, you're wrong. (except the mass part, in 5th grade I voluntarily chose to go to daily mass, and every friday we would have mass) In fourth grade we had mini elections and I was elected a religious representative, which I never really understood because I don't remember what I ever did, and I'm pretty sure I only won because my father was a lector. Going through my 8th grade year I never expected that I would be chosen most spiritual in my class (which I was) . I was flattered. I've never told anyone this, I didn't feel as I deserved it. I knew there were more deserving people of this, but I was chosen and it's not like I could turn it down. I had to give a speech at the mass on the day of graduation, I said that even though our journey there had ended we still had confirmation to look forward to.

the hardest year for me was Freshman Year. I felt like I was losing everything. my friends, my mind and motivation, my entire life, and most importantly I was losing faith. I felt so alone in the world. I didn't go to my parish for my first year confirmation. I was miserable there. Every person in that class was forced there and many didn't pay attention. They influenced me in having this apathy for church and being a Catholic. I promised myself I would not go back there for second year. I knew I wanted to regain my faith, and I would not get that kind of support there. So I signed up for my parish and had been anxious and excited to find that faith I had been longing for. From that first meeting I knew I was in the right place, finally.

My first life changing moment was at the retreat back in January. Everything that happened, from the sessions to confessions, from mass to adoration, it made me feel like I wasn't alone anymore. I realized my fears and prayed so hard that he wouldn't leave me. The feeling of warmth started to fade though. I tried with praying the rosary and reading the bible, and at times it would work, I would feel close. Other times I felt I was lost and alone again. Youth day in LA humbled me. So many people of the same faith, so many people like me.

I was convinced that everything would fade into nothing again and again, until Stubenville West. During those three days I realized that I needed to work harder for my faith. I gave myself To Jesus Christ on that Saturday night. I knew that in order for me to truly have the faith I longed for, to never feel that lonely paranoia feeling, to finally move on with life, I needed to commit myself fully to make sure the feelings wouldn't fade.

It's worked. My life is so much better now than where I was a year ago.I'm no longer lonely. I cry tears of joy knowing that I can finally live.

Because Insomnia won't let me sleep.

I'm awake just realizing it's saturday. I need some kind of tea or something to put me to bed.
So my mind has just been working overtime because I really have nothing better to do these days than to think about stuff. and overanalyze everything. I think that's partly why I'm having insomnia, I think too much. kinda like Antoine in How I Became Stupid. I need happyzac. Sure it'd make me a mindless consumer but then I'd be able to sleep peacefully.
I'm still hooked on a boy who's way out of my league. I know he's not going to notice me, but I still keep on trying, and I don't see the point anymore. He's so infectious, I can't get him out of my mind. But let's face it, that was a one time thing, meeting him. I'm too stupid to know when to stop, and I"m too smart to waste my money on trying to help the helpless cause.
I need to find someone, asap. need some summer lovin' just so I can get my mind off of all this hoopla.

On a completely (well almost completely) different subject.

I've never been kissed. and I keep of having dreams where I have my first kiss. I need some kind of dream dictionary to help me on this one.
Its saying I need love. That hits the nail right on the head.

I'd like to think I'm not a psycho person

I bet there are people who really think I really am, which doesn't upset me, but puts a damper on the relationship I have between them.

My internal clock is making me wake up at 6 am everyday and I'm actually fine with it. Weird, yes. Sad that I'm still waking up early and it's summer, a little. but that means more hours in the day to pretend I have something better to do.

Back to my previous subject, I'm not psycho I promise, maybe a little paranoid, but not to the point that I should be locked up. I think that's my problem though, that's the reason why I'm lonely. (and me admitting this could be the reason why just affirms everything just said) but I guess it's not all bad. I constantly try to make myself a better person to make up for the fact that I'm a horrible person.

I wonder what I'm going to do today, maybe I'll take a walk, or clean my room.

A change in time.

I can't say for sure if it was just as tragic the day the music died, but because of the speed of communication these days it seems as though you can't go anywhere without a tribute to Mr. Jackson.
to be completely honest, I did enjoy his music, but I was never a really big fan of him, and I can never say I was or I would be a liar. I understand the grieving of a person who has influenced many though his music, but I can't help but wonder how many of the tributes made out there are a ploy to gain attention, to gain recognition of their own work.
which brings me to another point.
Michael Jackson died, yes, but millions die everyday. where's their tribute? where's their medley? its unfair. Mothers, Father, Sisters, Brothers, Daughters, and Sons they influence our lives don't they? Police, Firemen, Doctors, Bystanders, they all save lives.
Could the world, for just once, not overreact to death of a famous person.
no one wants to be forgotten, i get that. but i don't think they want their death to be some kind of historical event, because it's an everyday thing. think about it this way, if there were to be a textbook with all the dates of famous people's death and a little obituary of them, it'd be larger than a dictionary.

we should move on, death is suppose to happen anyways.

I don't know what's been in the air lately

I can't help but think I'm changing to be one of those health nuts. Not to say that it would've happen at one point or another, but I think for lack of a better excuse it's because of my surroundings.

I'm also more of a bitter person towards people, especially couples. Most likely it's because I envy everything they have. I've always wanted to have that feeling of knowing someone besides my family and friends love/like me. I hope the summer brings this kind of feeling. I don't have any life experiences in anything so why not start with love.